Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
