I bet he comes in French.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
