it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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