Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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