my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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