I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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