i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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