my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
