can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
sarcasm needs its own font
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
