Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
