Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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