the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
