Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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