its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
