Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
