The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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