Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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