I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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