matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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