Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
