Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
