Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
