I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and she was petting her beer can
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
