the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
