So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
