My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
