be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
