hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
