how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
