A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
