You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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