Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
