Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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