if you like me you must not know who I am
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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