Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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