if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
