Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
