if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
