Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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