The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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