new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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