It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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