If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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