I think I died a long time ago.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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