I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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