I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
