Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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