I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
