i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
