I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
