onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
