Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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